Artemis's Questionable Flirting Methods
by Padfoot's Blondie
Summary: Artemis wants to know if he's been flirting the right way with Holly, who he wants to make his girlfriend. For some obscure reason, he goes to Root for advice on his flirting methods. Warning: stupidity and hilarity. T cuz I feel like it! AxH


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Artemis sighed a huge breath of relief and stared happily into the ruddy angry face of Commander Root.

"Thanks so much for agreeing to give me advice on this kinda stuff, Root. I really had no idea who else to go to," Artemis said gratefully, pulling out his best puppy dog face (which unfortunately ended up making him look like a constipated blowfish).

Root rolled his eyes extra hard. "Okay, Mud boy, work on the puppy-dog face. Your actually frightening me. And what are you talking about, you had no one else to go to? What about your dad, or mom? Or Butler, the guy that, oh, I don't know, practically _raised_ you?"

Artemis took a deep dramatic breath before whispering, "I just didn't feel comfortable with them."

"And you feel more comfortable with me, the fairy who drugged you, interrogated, intimidated, and terrorized you? Not to mention that I'm actually dead and you're talking to an admittedly creepy hologram of me," Root said, pondering his new appearance.

Artemis crossed his arms angrily. "Oh, come on Root. This is supposed to be our bonding time, okay? We never really bonded when you were alive and I felt bad so just get the frick over yourself so the crap can go down."

Root gaped, then shrugged. "Whatever. So tell me Mud Boy, why the devil am I here?"

Artemis grinned and rubbed his hands together conspiratorially, glad that they were finally getting to the good part. "Well, I need advice on how I can get Holly to go out with me. I've been dropping subtle flirting hints from the day we met-"

"You mean the day you forcefully kidnapped her?"

"Well, yes."

Root rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Okay. Okay. I'm just going to ignore the fact that you're probably delusional and go along. What subtle hints have you been dropping exactly?"

"Well, there was the abduction. I fed her pretty good food."

"I don't think that really-"

"And then I severed her finger and came up with the awesome solution of healing it."

"I don't see how this is flirting-"

"And then there was the time I made her watch when I cut off that guy's thumb so I could charmingly be mind-wiped and she would miss my existence and forget about the thumb-cutting incident."

"Artemis I think you're going about this in the wrong way-"

"And there was that other time where I got us stuck in the chamber with a bunch of horny trolls who thought they could get frisky with us, just to heroically find the means of escape just in the nick of time."

"I actually think that's a lie, the story Holly told me was way different-"

"And then there was the other time where I blackmailed and guilt-tripped her into going into the past and then lied to her countless times, only to come back to the present and almost die in her arms so she would doubtless forgive me in her happiness that I was still alive-"

"ARTEMIS, STOP!" Root finally roared. "That is NOT flirting!"

"_WHAT?_" Artemis shrieked. "You've gotta be kidding me! I TRUSTED YOU!"

This understandably threw Root. "Wait, what?"

"I TRUSTED YOU TO TELL ME THAT I HAD BEEN DOING WAS A GREAT JOB! BUT NO! YOU HAD TO GO RAIN ON MY PARADE! TAKE A CRAP ON ALL MY HOPES AND DREAMS!"

Root sighed and shook his head. Who knew Artemis had the mood swings and insanity of a pregnant woman?

"Okay, Artemis. I'm sorry. Do you have any sincere feelings, like written down somewhere? Maybe we can work off of that, maybe get some ideas."

Artemis nodded enthusiastically. "I'm surprised I didn't think of that! Here's my journal, you can use this," he said, handing Root an emerald green leather covered book.

Root, unwrapping the piece of cloth that bound the book shut, thought to himself, _Maybe we can find some sincere feelings and thoughts in here. If Artemis keeps 'flirting' with Holly, she might actually kill him._

Artemis watched excitedly while Root opened the book to a random page and read the passage aloud.

_February 13, 2011_

_Dear Diary,_

_Today, I saw Frodo Baggins from the Shire. And then he immediately got kicked in the face. _

_Love,_

_Artemis._

Root quickly threw the book on the floor. He and Artemis both stared at it for quite a long time, and it was a long time before either of them spoke.

Finally, Artemis broke the shocked silence. "Um, I'll admit that's not the most romantic I've ever been-", but that was as far as he got.

Root yanked at his hair, extremely frustrated. "No, I seriously doubt you've ever been romantic, Mud Boy."

Artemis was perplexed. "Of course I have! I've been subtly flirting!"

Root thought he actually might have a heart attack. "THAT IS _NOT_ FLIRTING! You were just creating horrible situations and then finding the most ridiculous way imaginable to get Holly to forgive you!" He paused for a moment, tapping his chin thoughtfully.

"Actually, Mud Boy," Root continued, "That's actually not too bad a tactic. What was gonna be your next big idea?"

Artemis smiled sneakily. "I was gonna trap us in an airtight room for a few hours, maybe a day or two. Then I would magically find the key out of the room and all would be well. And _that's_ when I would finally make my move."

Root stared open-mouthed at Artemis for a solid seven minutes straight. This stressed Artemis out so much that he was having a slight anxiety attack by the time Root snapped out of it.

"THAT IS BLOODY BRILLIANT!" Root screeched at the top of his lungs. "Artemis, I think you might've actually found out the secret to flirting and landing women! Oh my gosh, you _have_ to teach me how to do that so I can get with Vinyaya!"

Artemis started to smile and then froze, frowning. "Wait a second, isn't that impossible? I mean, you're kind of dead. No offence."

Root remembered that he was alas just a hologram and sighed dejectedly. "Damn," he muttered, snapping his fingers.

"It's okay though!" Artemis said, trying to clap Root on the back then carding his hand through his own hair awkwardly when his hand swung straight through Root.

Root raised his eyebrows skeptically. "Really? Is it?"

Artemis scowled at him. "Wow, Root, I was just trying to help. Thanks for making me feel like a total crap face."

"You're not a crap face!" Root said quickly.

"YAY!" Artemis shouted. Root quickly dropped into crash position as a result of the major whiplash Artemis's outburst had given him. He stood up soon after. Artemis hadn't noticed.

"Anyway, thanks for your awesome advice, Root! I'm gonna go get Holly right now and find an airtight space to conduct my final flirting scenario!"

Root saluted him emphatically. In response, Artemis did the 'double pits to chesty' gesture, to which Root had no idea how to respond.

It didn't matter anyhow, because Artemis was already running away to find Holly.

Holly was in for a major surprise…

**Lol thanks for reading this and sticking through this crapola till the end. You're awesome for just being able to get through this lol. :)**

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